I actually started thinking about the topic of this blog post the week before my aunt passed away in May. I started writing it then, and I finished it fairly soon after her death. I am finally sharing my thoughts with everyone because I truly believe these words and I feel like it’s time for them to be shared. With the passing of my dear aunt Lisa, I couldn’t believe how this post felt even more pertinent to my thoughts and desires to share how even through trials, God is real, He still loves us, and He cares. The blogs I write are things I feel inspired to share with others, so I hope it may help at least one.
June 2016
This past year has been eventful and life changing. Eventful in way I don’t want to repeat, but life changing in a way that has reminded me what is most important in life and in a way that has changed me into the person I am today, and continuing to change me into the person I want to be forever. As I have experienced hardship, I have had to dig deeper and really think about who I am and what the purpose of this life is. I do not fully comprehend all things and why things have happened the way they have, but I have continually thought back to a scripture that changed my life back in my early high school days. It reads in Mosiah 4:9:
Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.
This past year has brought on trials that have tested me more than I ever have been tested before. As a result, I have pondered whether or not I truly believe this doctrinal truth in Mosiah. I can say right now I truly believe these words of King Benjamin. At times I haven’t fully comprehended why certain things in life have happened the way they have, but I knew that I needed to keep believing. Believing has allowed me to see God’s hand in my life, and how even through the trials and hardships, He still loves me so much. Believing has helped me stay true to what I know and I have seen tender mercies in my life that have allowed me to know God is carrying me through my darkest and most trying times.
The following paragraph is some of the major events that happened in the previous year. These trials forced me to either believe in King Benjamin’s words or to not believe.
May 30th of last year I went so numb from my chest down it caused me to lose the ability to walk. For several months, the state of my body functioned like a frail and fragile grandma. At times, I literally thought I would die. On June 24th my brother left on his mission...although this is what I wanted him to do, it was hard to see him go, and it was hard for him to leave me in the state that I was. On June 30th my dad had a stroke. A dear friend of mine died from suicide in August. After 3 months of going numb from my chest down, I finally built up the strength to walk 18 holes but a couple weeks after, I lost vision in one eye and it appeared to look unpromising. I then had to stop all activity again. I had to go on a medication that caused me to break out and caused me to have a moon face--something terrible and extremely frustrating. In December, my left hand and forearm had constant tingling in them for about a month. In March I never witnessed anyone in so much pain until I saw my dad go through what he had. He was then diagnosed with bone cancer. On May 20, I went zip lining with my family and my dear aunt visiting from out of town died on our last run down from blunt force trauma. I was the only family member with her husband when his wife was pronounced dead. I then had to witness everyone else in my family in town receive the news. I then watched and listened my uncle call his siblings and children about the devastating news.
Seriously?
Is God really there? Does He even care about what I am experiencing? Will this ever end?
Sometimes I question. I wonder. Things don’t make sense. At least in the moment.
But then I remember.
I look back and find what God HAS given me. For what he has given me, is in great abundance.
I have a family who has supported me constantly not just in financial terms, but in all aspects of my life. My parents have had sleepless nights pleading to God for me. When I got sick last summer, I was in a ward which could not have been a better ward for me. I had some incredible roommates. I had the best of friends supporting me more than I can comprehend. A dear friend I look up to felt inspired one night to visit her grandpa in the hospital, and I happened to be two doors down from her grandpa and she had no idea I was there. I have been overwhelmed in emotion from studying and pondering the scriptures during this past year. Studying the scriptures have given me great hope and peace. People have been inspired to bear their testimonies which have pierced my soul. I learned to walk again. I have nearly all of the normal sensations back in my body. I can run. I can compete in golf. I can see. My friend who worked at the hospital bought my mother breakfast when my mom didn’t have anything to eat that morning. I have felt God watching out for me. My aunt was a pharmacist and continually helped our family with information on treatments for my dad and I. My aunt who passed away lost her wedding, diamond ring, a couple days before she died, but my brother was inspired, and found her ring the day after her passing. My dad endured the pain he had, and he no longer has to do chemotherapy at this time. I have been able to grow closer to my parents. I have truly seen how much my siblings care about me.
Some of these experiences may be small, and some of them may be bigger. To me, these countless experiences have reminded me that God is here. He does cares. He cares about the details of my life. My family and I like to call these experiences tender mercies. Maybe I don’t recognize His hand in every moment of my life, but if I do reflect every night, and I mean every night, I can find God’s hand in my everyday life. I just have to look for them. We have to believe that it is His hand that we see. We may call things coincidences, but I call them tender mercies. The love God has shown to me is real. If we truly desire His love, He will show it to us.
So…
Is God really there? Does He really care about what I am experiencing?
