Is God Really There? Does He Care About What I Am Experiencing?

I actually started thinking about the topic of this blog post the week before my aunt passed away in May. I started writing it then, and I finished it fairly soon after her death. I am finally sharing my thoughts with everyone because I truly believe these words and I feel like it’s time for them to be shared. With the passing of my dear aunt Lisa, I couldn’t believe how this post felt even more pertinent to my thoughts and desires to share how even through trials, God is real, He still loves us, and He cares. The blogs I write are things I feel inspired to share with others, so I hope it may help at least one.

June 2016

This past year has been eventful and life changing. Eventful in way I don’t want to repeat, but life changing in a way that has reminded me what is most important in life and in a way that has changed me into the person I am today, and continuing to change me into the person I want to be forever. As I have experienced hardship, I have had to dig deeper and really think about who I am and what the purpose of this life is. I do not fully comprehend all things and why things have happened the way they have, but I have continually thought back to a scripture that changed my life back in my early high school days. It reads in Mosiah 4:9:

Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.

This past year has brought on trials that have tested me more than I ever have been tested before. As a result, I have pondered whether or not I truly believe this doctrinal truth in Mosiah. I can say right now I truly believe these words of King Benjamin. At times I haven’t fully comprehended why certain things in life have happened the way they have, but I knew that I needed to keep believing. Believing has allowed me to see God’s hand in my life, and how even through the trials and hardships, He still loves me so much. Believing has helped me stay true to what I know and I have seen tender mercies in my life that have allowed me to know God is carrying me through my darkest and most trying times.

The following paragraph is some of the major events that happened in the previous year. These trials forced me to either believe in King Benjamin’s words or to not believe.

May 30th of last year I went so numb from my chest down it caused me to lose the ability to walk. For several months, the state of my body functioned like a frail and fragile grandma. At times, I literally thought I would die. On June 24th my brother left on his mission...although this is what I wanted him to do, it was hard to see him go, and it was hard for him to leave me in the state that I was. On June 30th my dad had a stroke. A dear friend of mine died from suicide in August. After 3 months of going numb from my chest down, I finally built up the strength to walk 18 holes but a couple weeks after, I lost vision in one eye and it appeared to look unpromising. I then had to stop all activity again. I had to go on a medication that caused me to break out and caused me to have a moon face--something terrible and extremely frustrating. In December, my left hand and forearm had constant tingling in them for about a month. In March I never witnessed anyone in so much pain until I saw my dad go through what he had. He was then diagnosed with bone cancer. On May 20, I went zip lining with my family and my dear aunt visiting from out of town died on our last run down from blunt force trauma. I was the only family member with her husband when his wife was pronounced dead. I then had to witness everyone else in my family in town receive the news. I then watched and listened my uncle call his siblings and children about the devastating news.

Seriously?

Is God really there? Does He even care about what I am experiencing? Will this ever end?

Sometimes I question. I wonder. Things don’t make sense. At least in the moment.

But then I remember.

I look back and find what God HAS given me. For what he has given me, is in great abundance.

I have a family who has supported me constantly not just in financial terms, but in all aspects of my life. My parents have had sleepless nights pleading to God for me. When I got sick last summer, I was in a ward which could not have been a better ward for me. I had some incredible roommates. I had the best of friends supporting me more than I can comprehend. A dear friend I look up to felt inspired one night to visit her grandpa in the hospital, and I happened to be two doors down from her grandpa and she had no idea I was there. I have been overwhelmed in emotion from studying and pondering the scriptures during this past year. Studying the scriptures have given me great hope and peace. People have been inspired to bear their testimonies which have pierced my soul. I learned to walk again. I have nearly all of the normal sensations back in my body. I can run. I can compete in golf. I can see. My friend who worked at the hospital bought my mother breakfast when my mom didn’t have anything to eat that morning. I have felt God watching out for me. My aunt was a pharmacist and continually helped our family with information on treatments for my dad and I. My aunt who passed away lost her wedding, diamond ring, a couple days before she died, but my brother was inspired, and found her ring the day after her passing. My dad endured the pain he had, and he no longer has to do chemotherapy at this time. I have been able to grow closer to my parents. I have truly seen how much my siblings care about me.

Some of these experiences may be small, and some of them may be bigger. To me, these countless experiences have reminded me that God is here. He does cares. He cares about the details of my life. My family and I like to call these experiences tender mercies.  Maybe I don’t recognize His hand in every moment of my life, but if I do reflect every night, and I mean every night, I can find God’s hand in my everyday life. I just have to look for them. We have to believe that it is His hand that we see. We may call things coincidences, but I call them tender mercies. The love God has shown to me is real. If we truly desire His love, He will show it to us.

So…

Is God really there? Does He really care about what I am experiencing?

Yes. He is here. He cares about me. And He cares about you just as much for me as He does for you.

Full of Gratitude

I can’t share or express enough gratitude I have today. It has been just over nine months now since my first attack with NMO. Back in May and June while I was in the hospital, I had no idea where my life would be at this time of my life. The doctors who saw me had complete faith in me that I was going to get back to where I used to be, but they had no promises. During my stay, I was told it could take months to years to fully recover from going numb from my chest down. It was terrifying to think of what my life could be like without being able to walk, drive, play sports, or any other thing that required walking. Today, like every day, I am truly blessed and grateful to be where I am. As time moves on, I feel more gratitude for the baby steps I see each day.

Now let me tell you this. Nine months ago I could not walk without having someone hold me up. Today, I can golf an entire round, I can run a mile under 8 minutes (I barely accomplished that this morning!), I can play ultimate frisbee, soccer, basketball, and I can dance! Whoop! I am so happy to be doing these things and for having them be a part of my life! The best part about it too is that I have not even had a leg spasm in months while doing these things!! I was worried coming back into everything that my body was not going to appreciate all the hard work I was doing….but it has been handling it well! I strength train with my team four times a week, and I run about 3-4 times a week! Who couldn’t say this was miracle?!

I also want to share about yesterday and my testimony. Yesterday was a beautiful fast and testimony meeting. A lot of people shared many things that have been on my mind. The gospel of Jesus Christ is so beautiful. I love my Savior so much, and I know He loves me more than I can comprehend because I can’t even believe how much He has already blessed me with. I’m grateful that He perfectly understands me and that He knows what is best for me right now. He is my everything. I sometimes get stuck in the moments of life, but by the end of the day, I can always reflect back and thank my Heavenly Father for being where I am today. I’m so grateful for so many little things He has given me. To run. To see. To serve. To study. Everything. I have been given the best of friends in my life that I can always count on, and a family who is always so concerned for me. I feel so much love in my life. Jesus Christ loves us so much!

Last thing...last week, my mom and I flew to L.A. for the NMO patient day. What an incredible experience it was. I had the opportunity to learn so much and hear other people’s stories who deal with what I have. I mentioned in my first post that NMO is an extremely rare autoimmune disease. Currently, it’s incurable. They can try to treat the symptoms and they can do things to help try and prevent attacks, but it’s not fully curable yet. Doctors are doing what they can to find a curable vaccine, while also trying to find a way to remyelinate the damage that has been done to people’s bodies who have been affected by this condition. The cool thing is, if we can find a cure for this, most other autoimmune diseases are going to be able to be cured. I can’t even say how incredible and neat that would be! I am a part of the group that is so determined to find a cure to save millions of people suffering with all sorts of things! I hope to be a voice in this cause to help NMO be more spread because this will help us find a cure. We need all the support we can. We need more people aware of this. I must also say though, it’s hard to be fully open about this. There are many people involved in my life and people I’m surrounded by who have no idea that this is a part of me. I want people to love me for who I am, and not look at me and think of me by my condition. I want people to see me for who I truly am even if NMO is a part of my life. But, I also want people to learn and grow from what I have experienced...because I never could have comprehended what has happened to me until it actually happened to me. I have learned so much. As Elder Bednar put it in the last October General Conference, “Physical restrictions can expand vision. Limited stamina can clarify priorities. Inability to do many things can direct focus to a few things of greatest importance.” I feel like I can completely relate to this. Losing the ability to walk has changed my perspective for everyday I live. We all are fighting our battles, and this is something I’m fighting everyday. Keep on fighting your battles and so will I.

Staying Strong and Enjoying the Journey of Life

I think most people, if not all, would say that life hasn’t always gone as planned at some point in their lives. This has certainly been the case for my life in many instances. The key to this point, though, is that even when life is hard, complicated, frustrating, lonely, heart wrenching, or whatever else someone may be experiencing, each one of us has a reason to keep pushing forward and ENJOY the journey of life.

I wish I could say that throughout the whole time I have been dealing with my challenges—and with NMO in particular—I have completely thrown out fear, doubt, frustration, negative feelings, and confusion. I will say that I have been blessed to have an overall wonderful outlook and perspective on this challenge, but it doesn’t mean it has been easy or that I’ve been happy through it all. People have told me that I am strong, courageous, kind, happy, and inspirational during this whole process. I sincerely appreciate these compliments and encouragements, but I haven’t been perfect while climbing this mountain. For the most part, it sincerely has been easy to smile when I encounter others because I know God has a plan for me, and I could share this knowledge I have with anyone. I truly know Christ has helped me overcome so much and continues to do so, I just love to share His light. Since He has been the light in my life, I want all to experience His wonderful joy He can bring into one’s life. While discussing my situation with others, I have shared my perspective that everything will fully work out in the end, and even if the worst came, which I have had a small taste of, and I did become blind or paralyzed, I still would be okay. I really would be. So many people in this world are dealing with this now, and they are doing it! But even though I have this perspective, I will say that there have been moments when I’m alone, or with a close family member or friend, where it has been a grind to pull myself up, and really, truly trust that the Lord will help me through my hard moments. I do know that He will always be there for me or anyone else if we call to Him, but it still isn’t easy to completely hand your life over to the Lord. During those summer days in the hospital, I felt like I was handing over my ability to ever walk again in His hands. It sure wasn’t easy for me to accept this if it were to be my case, but I had to tell myself deep down that I’d do whatever the Lord needed me to do. He had a plan for me, and I was going to do it.

It has been an ongoing process and it still continues to be so. There have been moments when I break down and cry and times I struggle looking at myself in the mirror. I have also had times where I just look at myself in the mirror and feel sad for the changes my body has taken. It’s hard to see the effects of medicine on my young body. I’ve worried whether or not a young man would ever take me for who I truly am. I have wondered what the purpose of all of this is, and why of all people it is me dealing with this. I’ve never thought it in a dreadful, “poor me” type of way, but rather in true sincerity I’ve asked, why does the Lord want me to live with this condition and how will it bring me and others closer to Christ? I wish I knew the the complete answer to some of these, and I wish I could overcome these difficult and straining feelings at times...

BUT

I have learned to look at myself in the mirror, and tell myself that my outside doesn’t define me. I have gotten myself to look deep down at who I am, for I am a child of God. A child of an Almighty, Wonderful God who loves me and whom I love! I have had to tell myself with the changes my body has made that it will only last a period of time and that I am truly beautiful. I have looked at myself and said that I will conquer these challenges my body is taking a beating for, and that I will accept whatever the future holds for me. I have looked me in the eye and said, “you can do this, you were made for this!” I have had to accept that some things are totally out of my control, and if my medicine makes me have chubbier cheeks than I used to have, then it is for the better, and I still love me for WHO I am. I have decided that even though I wonder if a young man will ever want to marry me, that when one day it does happen, I will know he is THAT much better because he is willing to fight this with me and that he truly does love me for who I am. I have realized that he will truly know me, love me deeper, and will really be there for me. I just hope to be as wonderful as he is. I have decided the Lord has this challenge in store for me just like He has challenges for each of His children to face. This was the perfect challenge for me, and it helps me grow closer to Him. It’s been hard and continues to be so, but it is so worth it.

Even though at times I question what I am going through, or have times when I feel down, I know I can bring myself back up because of my Lord and Savior. He has made it possible for me to overcome my worst fears and struggles. But, it is my choice that I accept Him. It is my choice that I will continue to fight. It is my choice to enjoy the journey of my life.

My Life Is A Miracle

My blog is about some recent experiences that have affected me and will affect me for the rest of my life. I have felt it is important for me to share this for others to hear of my experiences. The blog is called MY Time to Stand because of the metaphorical meaning to stand amidst a challenge, and the literal challenge it has been for me to stand. I hope my experiences being shared will be a blessing to others!

I am working on writing everything down, but here is a rundown of what happened:

In the middle of May I started to have some weird sensations in my abdomen area. It ended up leading to severe back pain and weakness in my legs. It soon led to me going numb from my chest down and it got to the extreme that I experienced losing the ability to walk. Then, in the middle of September, I also lost the ability to see out of most of my left eye. In short, I have been a paralyzed and blind woman who now walks and sees.

Well, as everyone should now know (or if you had no idea that anything happened), I have come back miraculously from these experiences! I have not only regained the ability to walk, but to run! I have returned back to golfing and working out with my golf team. I have also nearly regained all of my vision.  I am beyond grateful that these have only lasted for a period of time. I know that by the grace of God, prayers and fasts in my behalf, faith, the power of the priesthood, positivity, humility, modern medicine, and several other factors, I have been able to mostly regain these deficits. So, thank you all so much for your help getting me to where I am now. There is no way I could have done it without all the support I have had.

So where am I now?

Well, thanks to my stellar parents, two months ago they were able to figure out the reason of these attacks to my body, and found that I have an extremely rare autoimmune disease (NMO or Devic’s Disease) that could lead to experiences of paralysis and blindness occurring again. Both of my neurologists have confirmed this diagnosis, and we have made a game plan to hopefully help my body not have any attacks again.

I started a treatment that has been successful so far. Time is going to be the big indicator though on whether or not it is working. From my first attack to second attack, it was a four month period without being on any treatment at all. Two weeks ago, I got my first dose of my treatment and today I got my second. I will wait six months to get the treatment again. If I do not have any more attacks I’m going to keep getting treatment. Basically the treatment is going to help suppress my immune system. I get it through an IV and it can take anywhere from 3-6 hours to get it infused. The drug is actually typically used as a cancer drug, but through research, the neurologist I met at the MAYO Clinic was confident this was the best route to go. Now, I am mostly in a waiting game to see if my body can stay in the state that it is now, and possibly get even better. I am back to living as much of a normal life as I can handle, and everyday I thank my Heavenly Father that I am able to walk and see. I still have some numbness on my right side, but it is very manageable, and I am pretty much the only person that can notice it.

To be honest, initially getting the news of having NMO was a scary thought. The experiences within themselves were difficult, but I had hoped that they were mostly just freak experiences. Only about 4,000 people in the U.S. are known to have my condition, so there are a lot of unknowns of what will happen. I’ve read about other people’s experiences with NMO, and I know I am blessed to be where I am now. Although it has been a difficult process, my life and perspective has changed, and I know life will turn out for me how it is supposed to. It really has been an incredible miracle that I have come to the point I am today. I want all to know that I have seen many tender mercies, and I know it has been because God has been good to me. My recovery wasn’t just handed to me though, work has been required. I have had to fight to get to where I am. I also know it is because of the many people who have prayed and fasted for me, I have felt the impact of those in my recovery process.

My life is a miracle! I cannot deny it. I knew God was real before these experiences, but I have come to understand Him better and I have seen His role in my life so much greater through my experiences. If life is hard for you, keep on fighting. Look for the tender mercies in your life, for life isn’t so bad unless you make it that way. God is leading you along even if you can’t see so right now. There will be things in your life that you can control and things you can’t control. Work on improving those things you can control, and have faith that those things you can’t control will get worked out because they will. The trials we go through may be a long and hard process, but having a positive outlook will help you get through it. Keep on believing for the best because miracles may happen! That has been the case in my life!